Voyage of Rediscovery
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: For the first time in my life I've left my head out of the equation and gone completely with my heart and as I once again give myself completely to him I can't help but hope that won't be as big a mistake for me as it proved to be for Ginny.
1. Chapter 1

**Voyage of Rediscovery 1/?**

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:- **Allegory of Love

**Pairing:- **Jean Innocent / James Hathaway

**Rating:- **M

**Achieve:- ** ** . /group/lewisffarchive/**

**Summary:- **For the first time in my life I've left my head out of the equation and gone completely with my heart and as I once again give myself completely to him I can't help but hope that won't be as big a mistake for me as it proved to be for Ginny.

**Author's Note:- **Based on S03EP01 Allegory of Love so does contain spoilers, rated M for language and sexual content so if that's not you thing stop now! You have been warned.

"Mam? It's late shouldn't you be at home by now doing your miraculous transformation from scary chief super to Stepford wife?" I swear if another single one of my junior officers' spoke to me the way he does they'd be back in uniform so quickly their heads would be spinning for a week. Somehow though; he always manages to lace his comments with just the right amount of cheeky, boyish charm to get away with it. Maybe that's why I let him say the things he does or maybe it's because I know when he accuses me of being a Stepford wife, however jokingly, it's because he sees behind the mask, without ever having been told he seems to know the sham that my marriage has become and the front I put on for others never fools him. If I still loved my husband or believed he loved me that's where I'd be right now, after the hell of watching one of my oldest friends be arrested by what the rest of the station loves to call my own personal batman and robin. I'd be at home letting him sooth the turmoil that rages in my heart right now. Yet I'm not, mainly because I know right now he's not there it's the weekend he'll have disappeared to his latest sleeping partner, left me a note or email or some equally impersonal notification to explain his absence. Even if he was there I know the last thing I could rely on him for is comfort or support we stopped being that to each other long ago. So instead I'm here at my desk staring at paperwork I'm not reading and wishing I did have someone to go home to.

"I decided to give Mrs Innocent the night off on the grounds that her alter ego has had such a bad day, shouldn't you be off doing… well whatever it is you do at the weekend playing rock music and seducing groupies?" See there it is again that change he brings out in me that I wish would stay hidden and not betray me so easily. It's the old me, the me I was when I was his age and the fact he brings out my flirtatious side would be acceptable, maybe even welcomed at least I think it would.

"Does that night off extend to accepting an invitation to have too little food and too much alcohol with a colleague who knows exactly how bad your day has been and is prepared to listen?" This is the point where this me, the unhappily married Chief Superintendent should and would say no that she really should get home but there's a problem with that. "She" has left the party, thrown up her hands in disgust at the fact the world can be such a terrible place at times and said do what the hell you want who cares about rules or boundaries no one will give a damn anyway. The world is hurtling toward hell in a handcart and since it's half way there you might as well jump on for the ride. Detective superintendent Jean Innocent has left the building and reminded me , as her parting shot, that only a fool truly believes that the heart can always obey the head, a fool or a rule obsessed woman who has forgotten how to go with her heart, her desires, and damn the consequences.

So that's how I ended up here, pressed against the wall of the hallway in the small flat inhabited by a man if not half my age not far off it while he kisses me with a passion I'd long since stopped believing I could illicit in any man.

"James we shouldn't do this it's a bad idea on so many levels and just plain wrong on many more." I've heard the words fall from my lips as his were branding my neck with fiery kisses and it's taken me a few seconds to realise it was me who said them. A moment of clarity in a fog of need and arousal, a moment when the old me popped her head round the door to see how I was getting on in her absence and thought maybe she should step in.

"All you have to say is stop. One word Mam you know me well enough to know if you say stop that's what I'll do. One word Jean, that's all it takes." His hands are still resting on my hips his eyes fused with mine and I know I couldn't say that one word now even if I wanted to. The old me has left again with a shrug the image of Ginny so broken, so destroyed by what her life had become still too fresh in my mind to care about the consequences of this right now. My head and my heart are no longer part of the decision making process having given up to a completely different emotion now in control. Desire, lust, need, call it what you will but right now all I want is for him to carry on, to make me give up completely any grip I might still have on reality.

"Don't stop." I want, somewhere in the back of my mind, to justify my desires to him but what could I say? I'm about to cross the line, commit the ultimate betrayal one I know in my heart has been committed against me more than once, to justify it now would be to regret it before it even happened and I won't do that to myself not now, not tonight.

His hand is in mine pulling me further into his home through the door of his bedroom. His fingers are in my hair removing the clip that's holding it in place and letting it fall around my shoulders as he kisses me again. It's been too long since anyone made me feel like he is right now as he undresses me with a lustful laziness that shows me he is enjoying discovering every new part of my body he reveals. His lips and his fingers trace parts of me that for many years have belonged to only one man, one who is now so familiar with them that he takes them for granted, so much so that he rarely feels the need to explore them anymore in the way that James Hathaway is right now.

"You're an amazing woman Jean; you deserve to be worshiped not treated like he treats you." His words are muffled as he nibbles on my earlobe while he speaks and the arousal they send coursing through my body makes me hungry to take back control in some small way as I undress him with the same slow exploring hands wanting to make him feel as good as he has me.

The quiet moans and giggles I hear echoing around the room as we fall on to the bed a tangle of naked limbs seem alien to me, something I haven't hear in so long I'd forgotten I was capable of making such sounds. His body is blanketing mine now as he brushes a stray hair away from my face his eyes searching mine and I know he's waiting, giving me that moment to turn back, to stop this when I can still dismiss it as a moment of madness born of loneliness and sorrow. Once this takes that final turn that it's about to my get out clauses are all gone, once I let this happen I've crossed the line both personally and professionally and there'll be no turning back. I don't know what the other side of the line is like but I don't care, whatever the landscape I'll deal with it because I want him now more than I've wanted anyone in too many years.

"Don't stop James." I won't beg him to carry on I need to give him the chance to back out too but I needn't have worried, permission granted he's thrust slowly into me my body yielding to him in a way I never imagined it would to a man who wasn't my husband. He's taking me slowly, passionately like he's savouring every minute, making snap shots of my every reaction. God I've missed this, I've missed feeling like I'm the centre of someone's universe at that moment and my body is reacting without me giving it any conscious thought, working from memory and I'm lost.

"You're so beautiful; you've no idea what you do to me." My eyes have snapped open, the realisation that this isn't something he's doing on a whim, that he's thought about this, imagined it even shocking me and he can see the surprise in my eyes. "You're a beautiful woman Jean, a beauty only heightened by the fact that you never see it, you never see what you can do to a man with a single glance."

His words are my final undoing as he moves faster inside me my body arching toward him as it exploded in a torrent of pleasure that claws at the very edges of my soul reminding me that there is no feeling as amazing as giving up to pleasure created by someone else's desire for you. He's desperate now I can feel it in how he kisses me, how he thrusts into harder and faster making me whisper his name in a rhythmic chant as I'm over taken again and finally feel him still inside me as he falls into my arms.

My head rests on his chest, the silence between us more comfortable than I expected it to be as his fingers make lazy trails up and down my back and the guilt and regret I was expecting to feel doesn't come.

"This could make things really complicated." Some things have to be said, no regrets aside, I've just allowed my authority potentially to be undermined, the dynamic of our office could be completely thrown into flux, not to mention the fact that he's young if this ever became a topic for locker room gossip both our careers would be over. "No one can…..well you know what I'm saying, you're an intelligent man James, if there's even a hint of office gossip we're….."

"Do you really think I have such little respect for you, for what we've just done? Do you really think I'm going to walk into the office on Monday and brag like some bastard about having "had" the boss? I thought you knew me better than that."

"I do I was just saying if…."

"You just don't get it do you?" No actually I don't get it and I'm not afraid to admit it, he doesn't know how big a thing this is for me, over 20 years of fidelity, over 20 years of accepting that I'd made my choice and most of those years being happy with that, believing I'd never want to break my marriage vows. Now in a single night I've shattered that and while I could never tell him that and risk breaking the spell that seems to be hanging in the room it doesn't change the facts. To me it's important that he understands this has to be discreet especially if it is ever to happen again.

"No I don't get it James, 3 hours ago I thought our relationship was simple. I was your boss, your boss who I am not naive enough to believe you constant liked to see coming I know you and Robbie have probably bad mouthed me on more than one occasion when you've hit the bar of an evening. Now I don't know what it is anymore and that scares me I'm not good at lack of control a fact that won't surprise you." I've sat up and the thin cotton sheet has moved with me as I pull my knees up to my chest keeping my back to him and suddenly feel very vulnerable. So much for not breaking the spell; he'll be rushing me back out the door again so fast now this conversation will be irrelevant; yet once again he's surprised me pulling me back down onto the bed and into his arms as he stares at me and my heart races.

"For a brilliant and intelligent woman you can be really stupid sometimes. You've no idea how many times I've watched the light go out in your eyes because of something he's done. You put on a good show that fools most of the people we work with but I know how unhappy he makes you. I've spent the better part of three years wishing you'd leave him, that you'd be free for me to see if you'd ever consider letting me show you how well you deserve to be treated." I want to speak to say something sensible, or logical, hell who am I kidding even saying something nonsensical would be better than being silent but I'm in shock. I told you he could always see right through me didn't I? I always knew he could better than anyone else I just never realised the reason for that perceptiveness ran so deep. Can it actually be anything more than a build-up of unrequited lust though? The age difference is bound to become an issue eventually and then there's work I still have to be his…. "I know what you're thinking but I don't care about age or rank or anything else."

"Jesus James if you are going to make a habit of reading my mind it could get very disconcerting." He's smiling but the joke hasn't lifted the tension in the room the way I hoped it would. Instead he's gone back to staring at me again with an intensity that is starting to make me feel like he's examining my soul, claiming it as completely as he already claimed my body.

"You remember a couple of days ago when came into the office to check on us before you went to dinner with Ginny and your other university friends?" The mention of Ginny's name has brought the heaviness back to my heart and again I know he can see it as he pulls me a little closer wiping away the tears that have escaped without permission and kisses me softly. This is getting dangerous, it all feeling too right, I can't let that happen. Can I?

"Yes I remember you were watching the CCTV footage and trying to…"

"What I was trying to do was to pretend that I hadn't noticed how amazing you looked all dress up and ready to go out while you tried to match make Robbie and he pointed out exactly how great you looked to anyone in earshot. I never dreamed that the week could end like this. I never thought you'd ever let me make love to you and if you want this to be a one off if you regret it and want to pretend it never happened I'll understand and I'll learn to live with it. If you let me though I'll make sure you never ever doubt how beautiful and desirable you are again. I know it's not easy, I know you'll probably never leave him and I know you're worried about work and….."

"Stop talking James for two seconds and let me get a word in edgeways," Part of me can't believe I'm about to say what I know I am. That part of me that ran off at the start of all this is back standing with her hands on her hips pointing out that I'm lying naked in the arms of my sergeant having betrayed my marriage and put my career on the line and instead of leaving and telling him it was a mistake I'm about to compound the mistake. "You're right, I don't think I can leave him, not now, not yet, and like you say I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that but he left me physically and emotionally a long time ago. He's been giving those parts of himself to someone else for so long now I've forgotten what it was like before he started. Yes work will be complicated, if it ever comes out that we have a personal relationship my career is over and you'll be a sergeant for the rest of yours."

"But?" There he goes again with the mind reading I'm trying to get there, I really am it's just not that easy for me, my heart has made its decision but my head won't let me say those words since it's not completely on board with the plan.

"No one could ever know, not even Robbie and Laura if they did it's only one step away from someone over hearing something or a rumour starting and…."

"I know all that, what I don't know is if you want me, want this to happen again or if you're trying to build a strong enough case to justify telling me it never can." God jean just do it, just say it, you know you could say you don't want him, you could even leave here believing it was true but you know you could never give up the feelings that he's created for you tonight, you know all it would take was one bad day, one more weekend as a widow to whoever your husband has decided to share this bed with now, and you'd be back here seeking him out, desperate for him to make you feel loved, desired, wanted. Pep talk over and I can't take the look of longing in his eyes any longer. I know what I'm about to do and in spite of myself I don't regret it any more than I do what happened already.

"You'll have to be patient with me James, I never thought I'd feel like this about anyone else but if you can do that then I want this, I want to know you want me I need that now more than anything. If you can understand that there'll be times when I have to be with him even when I'd rather be with you then maybe it can work. I'm still his wife and there'll be events, times of year, moments of triumph and disappointment that I'll have no choice but to be there for. So the question really isn't if I can do this it's if you can? Are you prepared to take what we can until things change and are you prepared to accept that change may never come?"

All that vulnerability that engulfed me earlier is back as he stares at me for what seems like hours but in truth is only seconds before he kisses me again. This time the hunger and desire in the force of his lips on mine is all the answer I need. All conversation stops and we lose ourselves in repeating the sin now accepted as our new norm and I know I've just stepped onto a rollercoaster. For the first time in my life I've left my head out of the equation and gone completely with my heart and as I once again give myself completely to him I can't help but hope that won't be as big a mistake for me as it proved to be for Ginny.


	2. Chapter 2

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**Voyage of rediscovery 2/?**

"Morning." I've just woken up to find James Hathaway staring at me as I slept and again I'm waiting for the guilt, the panic, the regret but it's not coming instead all I can focus on his the way he's looking at me.

"You should have woken me I couldn't tell you the last time I slept this late." It's gone eleven in the morning and even on a Saturday I never sleep past eight normally but to say he did a good job of exhausting me last night would be an understatement. Even now the feel of his naked flesh so close to mine is making my heart race as he smiles at me.

"I didn't want to wake you. You're stunning when you sleep almost as stunning as you are awake." Oh god I could very quickly become addicted to the way he makes me feel. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel so desired. Even when things were better between us sex with my husband had become routine. It was ok we both enjoyed it but I never felt wanted afterward. I never felt like he was making love to me, it was almost like I could have been anyone. This feels so different though when he looks at me, when he made love to me last night every second of that time felt like he only wanted me, like I was a necessary to his survival at that moment as the air he was breathing.

"I'm sure I look like hell right now I've never been much of a morning person it takes me at least an hour most mornings just to pull myself together enough to come into work." It's true but he's shaking his head firmly and there it is again. The racing heart, the butterflies in my stomach god anyone would think I was a teenager instead of a woman of…..well a woman in her 40s.

"You look like someone who spent most of the previous evening making love and forgive me for being smug but the fact that you're glowing this morning because of spending the night with me is enough to make you unbelievably beautiful in my eyes." Now his hands are roaming my body again, gently kneading my breasts as I try to form a sentence and tell him that last night was amazing and I can't wait until we can do it all over again. "You know in all the times I imagined making love to you it didn't come close to how amazing it actually is. In all the times I'd imagined what you'd look like out of those snappy suits and fitted dresses you were for work I didn't even get close to how perfect you actually are."

"James is that all true? Not the compliments the bit about imagining being with me? I mean you've got me this far you don't have to keep up the pretence if…." His lips have collided with mine silencing me completely and the logical side of me, the side of me that is still finding it hard to accept that he could have wanted me from afar for any length of time is standing her ground determined not to allow me to let go again until he answers me.

"Ok, look what do I have to do to convince you?" I can tell he's a little frustrated but if he meant what he said last night and he wants this to be a regular thing he's going to have to get used to the fact I can be a little frustrating at times! "Jean I've wanted you almost since the moment I first laid eyes on you, why are you having so much trouble believing that? What exactly has he done to you and your opinion of yourself? I can tell you for nothing that I know at least three others off the top of my head who have serious school boy crushes on you and I'm pretty sure you could snap your fingers and have a dozen guys in the station lining up outside your office door more than willing to help you re-evaluate your opinion of yourself! Of course it's all true if I told you the number of times I've lain alone in this bed thinking about you you'd laugh or leave very quickly because it would all seem too much like stalking of some sort!"

"I had no idea, I mean even setting aside your complete exaggeration about the other men at work I….."

"It's not an exaggeration you could have any of them you wanted but don't dare try out my theory because I'm a jealous man. I have no choice but to share you with him but that's going to be hard enough without suddenly having to worry about them leering after you I'd definitely be extremely jealous." Jealous? James Hathaway station dark and brooding heart throb, yes two can play at the gossip game, would be jealous of someone else being interested in me? Now I know I've slipped into a parallel universe.

"Anyway…" We'll deal with the issue of jealousy later for now I need to say what I have to. "Anyway as I said or was trying to say I had no idea that you were….you know…..anyway why didn't you say something?"

I can't believe I'm falling over my words and sounding like a complete idiot. I hope that won't become a regular occurrence around him or it won't take long for anyone to work out something's changed.

"Why do you think?" Ok maybe that wasn't the most sensible question. "How exactly do you see that conversation going? Excuse me Ma'am I know you're married and everything but I'm sort of falling for you and I'm definitely attracted to you so how about it?"

"James now you're be facetious I realise it wasn't that sort of situation I'm just trying to work out how I never saw it. I used to think I was pretty good at picking up on those sorts of things. I'd certainly given up long ago on the idea of secret admirers. I've been with the same man for nearly 25 years he knows every inch of my body and it's so long since he was that interested in me it's ridiculous so why would anyone else be? I know that sounds self-pitying but I promise it's not what I'm saying I'd not spent that much time dwelling on it but it's the way it was and I'd accepted it." I wish he wouldn't laugh I'm trying to make him understand and try to understand myself and he's not helping. Maybe attempting to have this conversation while he's this close and without even a coffee to clear my head wasn't the best idea I've ever had.

"Yeah well no offence or anything but you're married to an idiot, actually idiot is being kind to him! Why he'd ever want to look elsewhere when he had you is a mystery to me. Like I said what he's done to you and how he's made you feel about yourself should be criminal I'd certainly have no reservations about locking him up for it!" He's pulled me closer so my body is almost blanketing his as he runs his fingers up and down my back and my eyes slip shut my body coming alive again as I kiss him no longer wanting to talk just wanting to feel how much he wants me.

Last night he was completely in control and I took great pleasure in letting him but right now I'm hungry to show him, and myself, that I haven't lost the ability to focus on pleasing him and succeed in doing so. Straddling his hips my lips make their way over his neck the faint smell of cigarette smoke, mixed with the residual salty sweat from last night and the hint of aftershave left from yesterday is a heady mix, it's the smell and the taste of raw manliness and I'm being intoxicated by it.

"Oh god Jean stop or this will be over be before it's got started." I've come to rest between his legs taking his length in my mouth as my hands stroke his thighs and I have no intention of stopping just the opposite in fact. Right now I want nothing more than to feel him explode in my mouth, to hear him completely give up to me like I did to him so often last night. Running my teeth gently over him as I pull off his length then soothing it as I take all of him back into my mouth it's not long before his protests stop and instead the room is filled with low groans and he involuntarily thrusts toward me. I've always loved the sense of power and control doing this particular thing gives me but never before have I been so lost in the need to take it to its natural conclusion. I want to rediscover all those parts of myself, the desires, the needs, the physical preferences that I've quashed for so long. As he finally has no choice but to give up the salty warm manifestation of that surrender slipping easily down my throat it feels fantastic. "That was amazing."

He's staring at me now in some sort of lustful awe that brings a surge of satisfaction as he flips me back onto the bed kissing me hungrily.

"Yeah well there's something to be said for age and experience James." It's my turn to laugh as he raises a questioning eyebrow at me and I play with the short hairs at the nape of his neck. "It may have been a while since…well since I used many of…..anyway you know what I mean but I'm pretty sure it's all coming back to me."

"I can see that, you're amazing you know never forget it, now I think maybe I should make us some breakfast then I'll have to see about showing you exactly what other tricks I have in my repertoire."

"I'll have to go home after breakfast James, much as I'd love to spend the day here with you I don't have so much as a hair brush or anything with me and suspicions might be raised if there's a message on the landline, which there will be, and I don't leave and equally curt reply on his voice mail." We're sitting at the small table in his kitchen, me in one of his oversized shirts and him in cotton pyjama bottoms that fall loosely around his hips in what I have to say is a very sexy way. I could easily say to hell with it and just stay here until tomorrow afternoon getting lost in him but I need to be practical. I need to break the spell that's been cast over this small flat and see if once it's broken he still feels the same or if he's caught up in the moment and once I'm gone and the bubble bursts everything will change again.

"When's he due back? I mean I assume he's with….I assume he's not at home since you didn't have to explain your absence last night,"

"I don't know but it's like every other weekend lately not until late tomorrow night if he comes home at all before Monday morning. Wherever he is he never seems to have the problem of not having what he needs to leave for the office from there but then again he's had a lot more practice than me." There's no bitter edge to my words that is normally dripping from them when I talk about his expertise in adultery. Maybe it's because I know it would be hypocritical now or maybe because it's impossible to feel so vitriolic toward him when I feel the way I do right now and have done at the hands of another man since last night.

"Can I see you tonight? I'll understand if you want some space or if you're having second thoughts or whatever and don't want to see me again so soon but….well I'd…" Damn he's adorable when he's tongue tied and he wants to see me again when I haven't even left yet that's got to be a good sign.

"James I don't think I'm going to have second thoughts and if you're sure you don't need a day or two to decide if you really want the complications of us having a relationship then yeah you can see me tonight."

"I don't care about complications I've told you that already. Do you think it would be possible for me to take you to dinner without it causing gossip?" Ah interesting question it's not unheard of for us to socialise together so I'm pretty sure no one would find it unusual enough to care but I think I want to do something different.

"You probably could take me to dinner but I'd rather cook, would you find it too weird to come to my place? If you would it's fine I could come here and cook and…" He's swallowed the end of my sentence with a kiss as I melt into his arms again and I know I have to drag myself away from here or I'll never leave.

"I don't care where we go or what we do so long as I can see you so if you want me to come to you consider it done."

"Great about seven then? That'll give me time to shop." I've finally extracted myself from his arms and am heading for the bedroom to try to locate my clothes and there's a storm of butterflies kicking off in my stomach as I pause at the door and glance back at him. "And James….."

"Yeah?"

"Don't forget your tooth brush and if you wanted to bring those pyjama bottoms I'd definitely now complain."


	3. Chapter 3

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**Voyage of rediscovery 3/?**

"Jean I'll not make it home this weekend. I'll see you Monday evening. Saw the news about Ginny Harris so I assume you'll be working anyway. See you Monday." God if he wasn't so replicable these days it would be funny. When pulled up to the house I had a moment of panic as to what I'd do and say if by some miracle he'd heard the news and decided to be here for me in the way he used to. The thought didn't last long though his car wasn't in the driveway and the predictably rut phone message simply confirmed what u was expecting! If the fact I know him so well and have lost any illusions about how he feels about me still made me feel anything I'd be depressed right now but I'd doesn't and I have an evening to plan so it's the last time I'll give any thought to him tonight.

I don't know what made me ask James to come here tonight other than the fact that it's always been more my home than our marital home. He spends so little time here and so little if what makes it what it is, is down to him that oddly it doesn't feel like any more of a betrayal to make love to James Hathaway under this roof than it did to do it at his place last night. I love this house, I've spent years turning it into the refuge it is, the one place where I can rudely feel like the rest of the world has gone away. Over the last few years he's stolen the joy from it, the love and I want that back, if that means I have to allow James to be the one who gives it to me I refuse to feel guilty about it.

The clothes I put on yesterday when things were so different are in a heap on the bathroom floor as I wash away the past twenty four hours but nothing can remove the memory of his touch and the way he made me feel. As the hot water washes over me it only seems to heighten the sensitivity in my skin that's been brought alive by his touch. For years I've tried to ignore the fact that there were times I was sure I caught him looking at me like he was thinking about anything other than what he was supposed to be. I'd catch his eyes follow me out of the room and dismiss it or I'd catch myself watching him from behind my desk and tell myself to snap out of it. If someone had told me then that this would happen I'd have laughed at them and yet it has.

"Hi I was just thinking about you do you have any preference for dinner or is there anything you don't eat?" I've spent the last ten minutes staring at the butchers counter in Waitrose trying and failing to decide what to make for dinner. I'd dismissed the idea of calling him to ask on the grounds that it could be construed as a little full on but the thought had barely been dismissed then my phone rang and the sight of his name in the screen set off a storm of butterflies in my stomach.

"Anything at all, I just rang to…" He's doing the falling over his words thing again and it's adorable! "I was worried when you got home you might have changed your mind you know if he…."

"James I told you this morning I'm not going to change my mind I've been wanting to call you for the last half hour but I was worried about seeming like I was coming on too strong. I can't wait to see you tonight now tell me steak or lamb?" The relief in his soft laugh has made me smile as he tells me again he doesn't mind and I hang up the phone and realise that the assistant behind the counter is staring at me. Maybe staring wistfully at the phone in the middle of the supermarket is something not to be encouraged. I can't help it though for the first time in too long I feel like someone cares, someone values me for who I am and I think I can be forgiven for letting that go to my head a little.

"God Jean its dinner not a 3 course banquet at the palace will you relax!" I was doing so well taking everything in my stride until I had an unwelcome visitor a little drop in from the old me. Now she's standing in the corner with her arms folded muttering about how there's a difference between saying "to hell with it" and losing my mind altogether. Can I really expect to keep a relationship going with James Hathaway? Am I just setting myself up for another heart breaking fall? It's almost seven and he'd be here any minute and I'm standing in the kitchen staring at the steaks I've seasoned ready for cooking and the salad I've prepared and suddenly it seems like so much more than the sum of it's parts. T's not just dinner anymore it's a test, a test of what I don't know yet but with my new biggest critic looking on and the doorbell having just rung I have a feeling I'm about to find out.

"Him you look amazing I've never seen you so…..so…" I'm wearing Jeans and a shirt, not what he's used to seeing me in true but hardly warrants an "amazing".

"I don't spend my entire life in a business suit James contrary to popular opinion I can be quite relaxed at times." He knows I'm teasing and he doesn't seem to care as he follows me into the living room pulling me into his arms.

"Well much as I love the way you dress for work you look amazing right now, casual suits you." To prove his point he's kissing me again and the joyful side of me, the side that is loving every second of this is in rapture again. His lips are soft but demanding, his hands running up my hair tangle in my hair as I reat my hands on his chest dissolving into his kiss. If this is part of that test I was talking about then I've passed with flying colours because all it's taken is a single kiss to remind me that even it if is setting me up for another fall it's a chance I'm willing to take. "I've been waiting to do that all day."

"Have you now?" I'm staring up at him as his eyes search mine and I can still see doubt hiding behind the longing in them. "I've been waiting for you to do it again all day too. After much deliberation and a few frustrated looks from the assistant on the butchers counter I finally decided on steaks with a green salad for dinner is that ok with you?"

"Perfect are you hungry right now?" His hands have slipped under my shirt caressing the skin on my side and it's clear dinner is the last thing on his mind as he backs me toward the sofa. Gently easing me back onto the cushions try to reach for him but he shakes his head. "I think I said this morning that I was going to show you that age and experience aren't everything."

"But James I…."

"But nothing, we have all night let me do something just for you now then after dinner I have every intention of making love to you. Repeatedly." How can I argue with that? Frankly why would I want to! He's made short work of the buttons of my blouse, his lips are leaving fiery trails over my skin as his hands continue their mission to access the parts of me that are longing for his touch.

"Are you going to just stare at me James because if you are then I'm going to get impatient with the fact that you are still fully clothed." He's kneeling at my feet now that he's finished undressing me down to the fine black lace underwear I took so long to pick out earlier and the heat of his gaze is making it almost impossible for me not to squirm under his gaze.

"Maybe I'm enjoying the view you have a spectacular body you realise that don't you? I could look at you lying here like that all evening." I swear I don't know how he doesn't have women beating down his door, he really has it all and he knows exactly what to say to have me turning to a pool of liquid desire as he finally gives up[ his appreciation of me to allow me the release I am now desperate for. He's slipped my panties down my left and his lips are now branding my thighs on the return journey. My bottom lip has slipped between my teeth in an effort not to beg him to move faster. Even in the short time we've been doing this I've realised he won't be rushed he's made it his personal mission to make me feel desired and adored rather than lusted after, He's decided, I know, that he needs to show me in his physical reactions to me that this isn't a flash in the pan. By taking his time to focus on teasing me like he is now, his fingers and his lips bringing me perilously close to the edge before backing away again he's showing me, in his actions, that this is about me as much as him.

"Let go jean, let me see that I can make you lose control just like you made me this morning." His fingers are continuing their unrelenting exploration of my core as he stares at me his face level with mine, his gaze challenging and I'm gone. All I can focus on is the satisfaction in his eyes as I explode in a torrent of pure ecstasy travelling from the tips of his fingers through my body in a way that leaves me spent in it's wake. "God you're beautiful when that happens."

He's sat on the sofa pulling me onto his lap, kissing me as his hands run the length of my back cupping my ass and kneading it gently. It's simply not fair that I should feel so good, so sated when I can feel his need for me pressing against my thigh through the fabric of his trousers. He's not prepared to play nicely though as he bats my hands away when I reach for his belt.

"Ah now patience." He's shaking his head as his lips come close to my ear and he whispers. "I said later, we've not at work now you don't get to call the shots. That was about you, we can deal with that little problem later I've built up quite an appetite I want dinner."

"There's nothing "little" about that problem James." Oh my god what am I 19 again? This man is dangerous he really is. "But if you're ready for dinner just give me two minutes to freshen up and I'll cook the steaks."

I can feel his eyes on my body as I slip off his lap and walk slowly to the door to find my robe and my sense of decorum which seems to desert me when he's around. I've quite an appetite myself now and the doubts that were plaguing me before he arrived are again pushed to one side. For this feeling I'll risk anything, everything, how can I do anything else.


	4. Chapter 4

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**Voyage of rediscovery 4/?**

"Do you want dessert? I think I might have some ice cream or one of those frozen gateaux things in the freezer," Dinner has been perfect so far. We've ate, talked, shared gentle touches and tender kisses. He's listened to me talk about Ginny, how she was while we were at university together, how different she was from the woman he and Lewis arrested yesterday. For all he'd done to distract me since last night there are images that will take a long time to fade and the fact that he's listened quietly. Soothing me when necessary and letting me talk is just further proof that he is exactly what I need in my life right now.

"No I have different plans for dessert. Right now though I want to know that you're ok. You know we could go and see her on Monday, they'll refuse bail she'll be inside if you wanted to go see her we could go. I'll go with you if you think it will help." Take that head shaking disapproving old me. She's not left me alone the whole night, no matter how much I've ignored the pursed lipped shakes of her head she's been quietly muttering that it's purely physical, that he doesn't actually care about me, that he's after what he can get then he'll leave me broken hearted. Well no more, she's stormed off in a cloud of giggles from this new me at the way he can set aside his desires so easily to be caring, considerate and to truly listen to me.

"I don't know James. I don't know what I'd say to her. I don't know if I have anything to say, She's not the person I thought she was. That girl that I read Borges with and the woman I thought was one of my closest friends would never have done the things she did. I don't know her so what would I say to a complete stranger I've known for over 30 years?" We've moved back to the living room and he's pulled me down onto the sofa beside him wrapping me in the comfort and security of his arms as he lets me talk. It's so long since anyone just listened to me, took in my concerns without frustration or attempts to "fix" things. As much as I've missed the physical fulfilment he's already given me I know that I've miss this as much. I've missed feeling supported, like no matter what happened someone only cares about me and how I feel about it.

"Well I'm there for you whatever you decide to do. If you want to talk about it I'm here to listen, if you want to go see her I'll be there with you ever step of the way." God he just gets more perfect and suddenly I'm terrified that it's all too good to be true. Maybe part of me wants it to be an illusion because if it's not real then I can't become dependent on the way he's making me feel. "Jean what is it? Tell me what you're thinking, don't shut me out, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere I want to know what you're thinking I want to share your worries and concerns. I'm not here just for fantastic sex, and it is fantastic, but I'm here for everything. I want all of you. I want to be the person you laugh with, the first person you want to tell whether it's something wonderful or exciting or something upsetting you have to share. This is real for me I know that might seem like too much too soon but you need to know I'm not messing around here. It's important to me that you know I'm serious about you, about us."

"You're doing it again James." Confused, another thing to add to the ever growing list of adorable looks on him. "Can you really see so clearly what I'm thinking or am I just transparent?"

"You're the least transparent woman I've ever met." How can he make me feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is a jewel in the cloak of self-esteem he's building around me? "I know what you're thinking because I know you. I've spent years watching you, wishing that in those moments when everyone else thinks you're coping and I know you're not I could comfort you I know what you're thinking because I love you it comes with the territory."

"You what?" There's panic in his eyes now as it strikes him as it did me exactly what he just said. My heart is beating so fast now that I can hear it in my ears as I star at him not sure whether I want to hear him say it again or not. He's kissing me as if he shouldn't need to say it again if he does but I know it's his way of buying time, deciding if he should say it, if he wants to, what the repercussions might be.

"I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for James? For being here for me? For making love to me and making me feel desirable and needed? For being the whole package? You have nothing to apologise for."

"I'm sorry for coming on too strong, for saying things you're probably not ready to hear. I…." My finger is resting on his lips to silence him the need to say something to tell him its ok that he hasn't terrified me into running from this overwhelming. I need to find a way to tell him in the space of one meal he's put an end to any doubts I still have but how do I do that? How do I tell him I'm falling in love with him too?

"You've made me feel more like myself in the last twenty four hours than anyone has in years. You've reminded me what it's like to be with someone who's sole aim is to make me happy. You've given me more than you could ever understand and right now nothing you could say would make me want to do anything but be with you. I'm not an easy woman to love James, I'm complicated, frustrating, far too single minded at times. I can be…"

"You're right you're all those things and more but what you fail to realise is that is exactly why I love you. I know you're probably not in love with me, not yet, I know it's different for you. I know this has so many more implications for you than it does for me and I understand all of that. I know you're worried that this is all about lust and excitement for me ad that it'll not last because of that. I could see it in your eyes, I just needed you to understand that's not how I feel. I'm here until you tell me you don't want me anymore…"

"I'll always want you. I couldn't go back to how it was, I couldn't stop now even if I wanted to wanted to. If you ever decide you want out you'll have to be the one to end things." It's as close as I can get right now to telling him I feel just as strongly as he does. I'm frightened that to say the words, to tell him I love him would be the beginning of the end so for now it will have to do and it seems to have satisfied him.

"I guess we're stuck with each other then. Now about dessert?" There's a mischievous glint in his eye and its effect isn't weakening the more familiar I get with it as I take his hand leading him out of the room and toward the stairs.

Every patch of wall or banister we touch becomes a support for our need for each other as his clothes form a messy trail until we reach the bedroom door and I feel him hesitate.

"It's ok." I've nodded toward the closed door on the other side of the landing and I see realisation cross his eyes. "We're going into the spare room I don't want this to be anything to do with our bedroom I don't want the fact I share the bed in that room over there with him to taint this so I made up the spare bed."

"I'm glad." The simple statement confirms what I'd already decided myself. There's a line that shouldn't be crossed and to be honest I don't want to cross it. That room for too long has been about arguments, feelings of rejection and betrayal, lonely nights and painful memories. I don't want any of that negativity to touch what we have.

"Take me to bed James." The moment that seems to have taken hold, the way the cold tentacles of my marriage seemed to briefly coil around us is unbearable and I need him to show me again that it hasn't been a mistake to bring him here. I've let my robe slip to the floor so my naked body making contact with his and it's dawned on me that he's not thinking about Richard or where we are. His moment of hesitation wasn't about doubt but about desire. He's doing it again taking those mental snapshots that I've realised he needs at each new milestone in our relationship.

"I want to explore every inch of you. I want to be able to recall every part of you from memory. You take my breath away." The sheets feel cold against my back and yet skin is on fire as his eyes devour me. His fingers play me like a finely tuned instrument as he leaves no part of me untouched. When his lips finally meet mine again I'm already trembling with need for him a fact he seems to have decided is worthy of a satisfied groan against my lips.

"What you can do to me should be illegal." The words have fallen from my lips in a throaty gasp as he slips into me bringing my leg s to rest over his hips deepening the connection between is as I feel completely lost in him and how right it feels to have him so deep inside me. He makes love to me like it might be the last time he's ever able to do it, teasing me with changes of pace and position until finally in a tangle of limbs and a chorus of desire laden groans I'm on top and taking back some control.

"Harder Jean…oh god I'm so close….you feel so…." The rest of his words are like a distant echo as I'm pulled under the sea of pleasure engulfing me, the screaming rendition of his name that accompanies it being his final undoing as I fall exhausted into his arms.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather have had ice cream?" My light hearted reaction now that we've both got our breath back has made him laugh as I prop myself up on one elbow beside him beside him.

"Is there any reason I can't have ice cream too? Later of course." God I love this, I love that in one night he can make me feel like he's there to carry the weight of anything that might be bothering me, make me feel like I'm the only woman who can satisfy him and then make me laugh by joining so readily in with my teasing.

The duvet is wrapped around us like a security blanket refusing to let any of the warmth and contentment I feel right now out and suddenly I'm exhausted. It's been so long since I fell asleep in the comfort of my own home in the arms of someone I know loves me that it's impossible to do anything else right now. If there really were tests to be pass tonight as I believed there were then we passed them. Another step along the road I couldn't turn back from now. Another simple pleasure rediscovered and as I give up to sleep I can't help but look forward to the next step on this terrifying, heart stopping, wonderful journey.


	5. Chapter 5

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**Voyage of rediscovery 5/?**

"Morning gorgeous." Oh my god this is getting ridiculous for the second morning in a row I've woken up to those words and the sight of him quietly watching me sleep. I'm pretty sure I should find that disconcerting or creepy but I don't right now the idea that tomorrow morning I won't wake up to this, to him, is awful.

"Morning, how long have you been awake? You should have woke me."

"I didn't want to I was enjoying watching you sleep. I think I told you yesterday that I loved to watch you sleep remember?" Like I could forget, everything about the last two days is seared on my memory it's been so perfect. I love the way he gravitates to me the moment I'm awake the need to be as close as he can to me obvious.

"Yeah I remember. Did you sleep ok? What time is it we should think about breakfast I thought I'd make us pancakes, I love pancakes for breakfast on Sunday's" Oh my if he keeps kissing me like he is now breakfast will be the last thing on my mind. I could happily stay here and let him do this for the rest of the day but "she" is back. You know who I mean, she's back and pointing out that he doesn't want to sit around eating breakfast he's only interested in one thing, when he's got it he'll go back to his own life again and my plans for a relaxing Sunday with him will be destroyed. I wish she'd bugger off, I mean I don't even believe her scoffing mockery any more but she's there chipping away like a woodpecker trying to bore holes in the confidence I'm building that this is as real for him as it is for me.

"I love pancakes but let's make then together then we could maybe spend the day together, if you want to of course, there's usually a good movie on in the afternoon and maybe we could go to that nice little brassiere round the corner for lunch?" I don't think he expected me to laugh at that comment and he's looking at me like I may have just taken leave of my senses but I can't help it. If he knew how completely he seems to be able to banish my doubts the second they appear he would understand. Can he really be this perfect? Can he be so in tune with me that he knows exactly what I'm thinking even before I really know myself? "Should I be offended that you're finding my ideas for our day so funny?"

"No, no you definitely shouldn't be offended." I've flipped us so I've pinned him to the bed and after only a second of shock he's grinning at me again with that mischievous smile that makes my pulse race. "I just love the way you can read my mind, you've no idea how good I am at convincing myself of the worst and you then shatter those doubts every time. It means a lot no one's ever been able to read me so well and I thought I'd find it frightening if someone did but with you it just feels fantastic."

"How can I stop you having doubts in the first place? I thought I'd made it clear last night that you never need to doubt me or how I feel about you. You do realise now how long I've wanted this? I didn't stand at your office door on Friday night and think "she's vulnerable right now I'll have a bit of that" I thought you'd accepted that now." There's no frustration in his tone, no judgement about the fact that I still have moments where it feels like it can't be real and I know that he's already done exactly what he's asking about. The old me has thrown up her hands in surrender and left in a storm of muttered warnings that I don't realise what I'm doing and it will all end in tears but I don't care.

"You already have James, I believe that you love me and I know you didn't do any of this on a whim that doesn't mean it doesn't still amaze me, nor that I can't believe I didn't realise you had feelings for me before now but I…" The words have stopped in my throat again, why can't I just say it, why can't I tell him that I'm falling in love with him too and that I want this as much as he does.

"You what? I know you aren't in love with me Jean, I know you may never be but I'm willing to take that risk I love you enough for both of us and I….." I've silenced him with a searing kiss because I need to say it and the more he keeps telling me that I don't love him the more I worry that he is saying it because he thinks that it's what I want to hear and he isn't as ok with it all as he seems to be.

"I do love you, I mean I'm falling in love with you, it's new to me though you'll have to be patient with me I never saw this happening, I never saw myself in this position with anyone let alone you but I do love you." The wonder in his eyes, the astonishment at my words is breaking my heart and breakfast is the last thing on my mind now. With all my heart I want to show him the truth in my words. As I kiss him again his hands are already roaming my body the way he can so quickly set me alight making me feel like he was put on earth purely to know me. As we make love I watch the way need for me laces every action he takes, drink in the tenderness in every word and when I'm finally overtaken with pleasure again and he takes control guiding me back onto the bed riding out my climax with me before giving up to his own I know that no matter what happens from now on whatever it takes I will spend the rest of my life loving him.

"Butter, or syrup? I think I might even have some lemons in the bottom of the fridge." We've just spent half an hour making a huge stack of pancakes, talking and laughing and generally enjoying the morning together now he's looking at me like I've just asked him the most difficult question in the world. "How about we put it all on the table and you can pick and choose for each one."

"Yeah, it's too hard to pick I'll bring the coffee." We've just sat down at the table and the phone has started to ring, god I swear that people know the moment you don't want a call and that's the second they decide to ring, for a second I thought about ignoring it but we both know there's always a chance it might be work.

"Hello?" Shit the sound of the familiar voice on the end of the phone has actually sent a shiver down my spine as I put my finger to my lips indicating that he should be quiet.

"Jean something's come up I'm going to have to head up to the Manchester office at lunch time tomorrow and I can't get home before that I need you to drop some stuff off at the office for me on your way into work tomorrow." Ok think about this Jean under normal circumstances you wouldn't just let this slide so act normally or he'll know something is going on.

"You haven't been home since Thursday Richard and I'm not your gofer." James is looking at me as I reach for the note pad I keep beside the phone and scribble a quick note telling him to bear with me it's ok.

"Look I can't help the fact that the shit is hitting the fan here it's not too much to ask that you do one thing for me you have to drive past the office on your way to the station." Well that worked he hasn't a clue anything is any different and I wonder if he ever really would. When he has a new floosy in his life I always know I can tell just by the tone of his voice and the look on his face but I don't think he has been able to read me or even cared for so long now that I would announce that I was having breakfast after spending the night with James and he'd not even hear me right now all he's interested in is giving me a list of his clothes and things from his study that he needs and I'm writing it all down still grumbling about him not doing it himself just like I would every other weekend.

"Fine I'll drop it off, when will you be back? I mean are you planning on coming home at all this week?" I always ask, he never commits to anything, and I give up, that's how these conversations go and this time I really don't care how long he stays away, if he never came back at all I'd be a very happy woman right now.

"I'll be back mid-week we have that dinner with the German investors on Friday night you did remember and have made sure you won't get called into work like you did last time they were here? They don't like it you know Greta is a stay at home mother and Hans doesn't approve of wives working you nearly lost me the contract last time."

"Yeah well Hans is a dinosaur I'll do my best but the shit hits the fine for me at times too so you'll have to live with it."

"Fuck sake Jean one night isn't too much to ask is it?" I can feel anger rising in my chest and so can James I must look ready to kill because he's up from the table and is behind me his arms wrapped round my waist as he gently kisses my neck immediately dispelling the anger not that I'm going to let Richard know that.

"Look we'll talk about it if and when you decide to come home can you at least call and let me know where you are or if I need to shop for one again this week?" He's angrily agreed to check in midweek and hung up on me which suits me fine as I put the receiver back on the wall bracket and turn in James's arms.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again you're married to a wanker." I can see real anger in his eyes at the way he could hear Richard speak to me and the fact he was being so blatantly inconsiderate but I don't care right now even that can't anger me for long.

"Yeah well right now I'm finding it hard to care, he'll not turn up again until Thursday night maybe not even until Friday afternoon when he wants me to go play happy families and pretend we're still like newlyweds in front of his biggest client." I'm sure I just saw a flash of jealousy cross his eyes and the doubts are creeping back again this is what I warned him could and would happen I thought he understood. "You know this is going to happen at times, I'm going to have to go to things with him, and act like his wife when it suits him we talked about this."

"I know it doesn't mean I have to like the way he treats you does it?" Aw see I'm not quite as good yet as reading him as he is at me, maybe it wasn't jealousy but protectiveness in his eyes at the fact Richard can expect to be able to walk in the door after a week and have me do exactly what he wants but I can live with it.

"No you don't but when you get cross about it, when you feel like he's taking advantage just remember that now, now that we have what we have, I don't care. I can do all those things I can sit round a table with him and play his games because I know even if he doesn't love me and hasn't for years you do. He's just something we have to live with at least for now but I promise when the time is right I'll change it, until then the more he stays away the better." He's pulled me into his arms again and is kissing me with lips laced with the sweetness of syrup and the tang of lemon and for the first time I genuinely feel like I may be able to get to the stage where I'm ready to say goodbye to Richard and the sham that our marriage has become because if this does last, if we're still feeling like this a few months down the line I know it will become harder and harder to hide how happy James makes me and I won't want to I'll want the world to know how lucky I am even if that does mean saying goodbye to the last 25 years of my life.


	6. Chapter 6

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**Voyage of rediscovery 6/?**

"James will you relax and stop jumping every time someone walks into the bar otherwise there's no point in us trying to do this anyone who knows either of us take one look at you and know that we're together not just two colleagues who happened to find themselves in the same place at lunch time on a Sunday." I know I shouldn't find his nervousness so amusing but when we were leaving my house I was convinced I'd be the one getting on exactly like he is. I was sure that in spite of the fact we'd already agreed that if we met anyone we knew we'd simply say we met in the bar while there separately and decided to have lunch together instead of alone. It was a fool proof excuse it isn't unusual for us to bump into each other there is just as much chance of that happening as us ending up alone somewhere for Sunday lunch because as a group we tend to stick to the same places.

"Sorry I know and it's not that I am nervous it's just that I think it will just take someone to look at me once to know how happy I am right now and know it's not just because I bumped into a friend for lunch. I didn't realise it would be so hard to be with you in public without wanting to do things like hold your hand or put my arm round you." Oh god could this get any better? Yes I know yet again he's having a problem and all I can see if the complete cuteness of what he's said. I know it's an issue and it's one I have been struggling with while we walked through the quad coming here and when he did amazing things like pulling my seat out for me and all of the other completely charming things he did but it's an amazing feeling that even though we can't show those things in public that he still wants to.

"Just because you can't hold my hand or stop in the middle of the quad and kiss me doesn't mean I don't know that you want to and that's good enough for now. Besides there are other things we can do that no one else can see." I've slipping my shoe off and am running my toes over his calf as the waiter comes back and asks us if we're ready to order.

"Yeah I'll have…..I…what was it…..yeah….."

"We'll have two rib eye steaks one medium one rare with the sauté potatoes and winter veg and we'll have a bottle of the house red with that." The waiter has taken the order and the menus and I can't help the smug smile on my face as James looks at me his cheeks reddening. It still amazes me that something as simple as the feel of one part of my body touching his can have such a strong effect on him even in a crowded bar when there's a table between us and we're still fully clothed. I don't think I ever had that effect on Richard even when we were first together, actually I don't think I've had that effect on anyone in my whole life!

"You're going to be the death of me." He's lowered is voice and glanced around to ensure that everyone else is too engrossed in their own conversations to notice or care what we're talking about before he continues. "I'm so hard if for any reason I have to stand up right now the entire room will know what you do to me."

"Really?" Ok confession I know I'm being a terrible tease right now, I know that if I hadn't sent her packing a few hours ago the old me would be dumb struck in a corner wanting the ground to open up and swallow her and informing me that I was making an idiot of myself and coming across as a sex starved middle aged woman but I couldn't give a damn. I'm enjoying myself and it feels amazing, almost as amazing as the throbbing hardness I can now feel under my toes as I let my foot snake further up his leg and brush against his crotch. "Ah yes I suppose you're right."

"Jean please this isn't fair I…" The waiter has returned with our wine and glasses and I've taken pity on him and removed my foot slipping my shoe back on as the young man walks away again. "You realise this is killing me. I don't care whether you'd planned to or not when this is over we are going back to your place or mine even and when we do you better be prepared to follow through with that little tease."

"I don't believe in leaving a job half-done James so you can rest assured I had every intention of following through you're not the only one more than ready for that right now." Oh god I think I'm in trouble, there's a real mischievous glint to his eye and he nods at me and just as the waiter sets our meals down in front of us I've felt it, the gentle tickle of his sock covered foot tracing the line of my leg and unlike his ability to put some distance between my teasing and him I'd cornered my chair is almost against the wall behind the table and his legs are considerably longer than mine. Not only that but unlike the confines of his trousers I have on a loose A-Line skirt and his toes are already teasing at my centre through the fine lace of my panties. "James enough the quicker we eat the quicker you can do that for real."

"I am planning to eat and who said I wasn't going to do it for real right now? I don't think it will take long." No way! He cannot be serious and I am trying very hard to look at him with a "do it and you'll regret" it stare while concentrating on my dinner but it's getting more and more difficult by the second. His toes are pressing the lace directly onto my clit and with firm strokes as he carries on eating his eyes never leaving mine he pushing me further and further toward the edge I can't believe he's doing this what the hell happened to being nervous about discovery. Oh god….oh god…. I can't believe this is happening, he can't be going to follow this through to the end it's a tease a bloody good one but still a tease he wouldn't dare he'll stop he…oh….oh god my body is exploding and I'm sure my knuckles must be white I'm gripping my cutlery so tightly in an effort not to make a sound but every nerve in my body is rupturing with pleasure so it's not easy.

"James that was amazing but if you ever do that to me again in a place like this I will have to retaliate and it will be a lot more difficult for you to leave without anyone knowing if I had just done that to you." He's staring across the table at me with the smuggest smile I have ever seen in my life.

"Do you know how much of a turn on it was watching that happen? Eat we need to get home. Soon." This is indecent, it has to be, no one should be able to make me feel so good or do so many things that 48 hours ago I would have never dreamed of doing but with my hands still trembling slightly as I try to eat I don't feel like we are doing anything wrong, even being given an earth shattering orgasm in the middle of a crowded pub seems acceptable to me and I'm not sure if I should feel disconcerted by that fact but I can tell you I don't.

"Everyone in the room will know what you've just done if they take one look at me!" he's shaking his head and leaning across the table with his voice low again.

"No they won't not unless they have seen that happen to you before and know what the soft pink flush on your chest and the way your eyes seem two shades darker than they did before mean and I'm pretty confident there's only one other person who might have seen that any time recently and if they walk in the door right now what just happened is the least of our problems."

"Trust me you're the only person who would recognise that because you the only person who has seen it in a very long time and the only person who has ever made it happen so intensely." I love how he looks so happy with such a simple statement of fact and it's only starting to dawn on me now how important it is that things are different with him than they have ever been with Richard, I'm starting to realise how hard he's found it these few years seeing me unhappy and how much satisfaction he gets from the fact that with him I'm not.

"Jean? James?" he's almost given himself whiplash turning so quickly in his seat and it's all I can do not to groan at the fact that he instantly looks terrified he's seriously going to have to get better at this we have to go back to work tomorrow and be in the same room on a regular basis.

"Afternoon Laura, how's your weekend going?" I've had to step in and say something because if I leave it to him he looks like he's about to give up and just announce the reason where here and every detail of what's been happening.

"Great I'm just on my way out I've been here with friends for lunch we're going to the open air theatre tonight." She is relaxed and happy and clearly not in any way suspicious I just hope he's noticing that too and will relax a little.

"I went last weekend it was fantastic if we'd known you were here we'd have looked for you I only called in for a glass of wine on my way back from a walk along the river and James was about to eat alone so I invited myself to join him I think he'd have liked rescuing." She's laughing and so am I and finally James has relaxed assuring me that he was only too happy to have lunch with me and slipping back into official titles as if he was enjoying his day off and got cornered by his boss exactly what we said.

"I'm sure he's enjoyed the company, anyway I better go the others will be waiting, enjoy the rest of the day see you tomorrow bright and early for the MacAlpine autopsy? Try to make sure Robbie is on time will you I have a full case load tomorrow I swear sometimes he thinks I'm there to be his personal pathologist and have no other calls on my time."

"I'll do my best but I can't promise he runs to his own timetable you know what he's like." With another few jokes about Lewis and how he'd be late to his own autopsy let alone someone else's she's gone and I'm internally breathing a huge sigh of relief but I'm not going to let him know that.

"See I told you just to act normally and it would be fine didn't I?" He's nodding and has taken a gulp of his wine and for the first time I'm not worried about my ability to work alongside him without giving the game away but I am about his to do the same. We are going to have to talk about this again later because even if we do stay together and I do someday leave Richard we have a lot of time to get through first and if he's going to keep panicking every time we are in the same room that someone will notice then that's exactly what will happen and then we'll really be in trouble.


	7. Chapter 7

**** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1**

**Voyage of rediscovery 7/?**

Its 6am on Monday morning and for the first time all weekend I'm awake first and I can't stop watching him. Suddenly I know what he's found so hypnotising about it every other morning. I'm so used to waking up beside someone I don't love and my only desire being to get out of bed and to the office as quickly as possible that now with someone I've had no choice but to accept I'm in love with lying by my side I could stay here for the rest of my life just watching him sleep. When we got back from lunch yesterday we spent a perfect evening talking and watching a film then had no choice but to give in to our need for each other again. I've never known this sort of hunger for someone before and that has been feeding the piercing criticism from the old me still hanging around on the edges of my happiness trying to tell me that it's all physical, that it won't last, that it will burn out but I'm finding it easier and easier to silence her the longer this goes on. I know it's only been a few days but it already feels like I've been with him forever and that I was put here on earth to make him happy and let him do the same for me.

All that happiness, all the joy and the excitement doesn't mean that I'm not a little nervous about today though. We've been in a bubble this weekend with nothing other than the short meeting with Laura yesterday to remind us that we have to go back to the real world today. After his reaction I really was worried about how he would cope, if he could just act like nothing had happened and we were exactly the same as we had been when we walked out of the station on Friday night. We spent a long time talking about it last night going over all the possible ways that we might have to deal with the fact our relationship had changed and how we could keep it a secret and by the time we were done I'd started to believe again that we can pull this off.

Now the biggest problem I have is persuading myself to get out of bed and get ready to go to work in the first place before I leave though I have still to pack the things that Richard wants and the thought of leaving this room where I feel so loved and adored and walk across the hall to the bedroom that has become the heart of the sham of my marriage, the place where I feel least loved is making it even harder. I don't know that I will ever be able to look at how my life was before with the same eyes. I'd spent so long convincing myself that I should do what I had to, that I was stuck with what I had and that the rest of my life would be mapped out littered with day after day soured with the pain of rejection that now it seems like that really was a different me. Now, even with only a few days of his love and consideration I can't imagine how I ever thought I could live my life like that, I can't see how I ever thought I could and as I get out of bed finally and head across the hall I don't think I can keep doing it long term.

I know it sounds like I really have taken leave of my senses now, and I know it all seems like too much too soon but I don't expect everything to fall into place and to have a "happily ever after" fairy tale life with James just because it's what I want I'm not that naïve and I don't need a sulking alter ego nagging at the bag of my mind to tell me that's not how things work. I'm starting to think though that whatever happened with James, even if he woke up now and told me the whole weekend had been a mistake, I couldn't go back to pretending I still love a man I haven't done in so long I've forgotten when I fell out of love with him.

"Hey I thought you'd run off on me." God he made me jump but considering I was standing staring at an empty hold all without having put any of the clothes Richard asked for in it and too lost in my own thoughts to start it's probably a good thing. "Can I come in?"

"Of course you can come in what a daft question." He's smiling now and has taken me in his arms and I know he can see right through me the puzzlement in his eyes is telling me he knows that I was thinking about something and that something was important. God I will never get used to being so transparent to him but I have got used to the fact it doesn't terrify me like it would if anyone else could read me so well. "What's wrong? Has he called again? Are you still worried about work today?"

"Nothing, no and no to answer all of those questions I was just thinking about how much has changed in the course of a weekend when I left this room on Friday morning I feel like I was a completely different person." He's taken my hand and is leading me out of the room across the hall again and just stepping out of the room seems to have lifted the chill from me again.

"Talk to me, tell me what you're thinking." We've got back into bed and glancing at the clock to see that it's only 6:20 and we have plenty of time I'm perfectly happy to snuggle up with him for a while longer and tell him what I've been thinking and how I feel.

"I didn't realise how unhappy I was until this weekend. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel like someone loved me and wanted me just for being myself I suppose going back into the room and opening his side of the wardrobe to start looking for the latest list of things he wants me to do for him it's struck me more than ever. I don't think I can do it anymore." He suddenly looks terrified and she's back the mocking scornful old me laughing haughtily and telling me I've done it now, one hint that I might be taking this seriously and he looks like he's been punched that this is the moment he's going run and keep running while I'm left here with nothing but a weekend of memories that just make it so much harder to go back to life as it was.

"I'm not pushing you Jean, won't you think about it before you just say you can't do it? I thought we'd agreed we should be together I promise it will be fine today and every day in work I will be better at it than I was yesterday when we saw Laura just don't give up on us just yet." Huh? What? Oh my god he thinks I'm saying I can't do this, I can't do us any more, maybe I'm not so transparent after all but this is one of those moments that I really wish I had been the look of pure panic in his eyes is breaking my heart.

"James, no, no it's not us that I can't do any more." I've pulled him into my arms again kissing him in the sort of slow languid love laced way that I hope will show him that I still couldn't give him up no matter how much I tried.

"You scared me, I thought you'd changed your mind, I thought you were going to tell me that the weekend was great and everything but we couldn't do it again that you had to go back to how things were before." He's holding me so tightly now it feels like he truly thinks I still might pull away and never let him hold me again and "she" has once again gone off in a sulk making me wonder when she's going to stop sticking her nose in at every opportunity to try to make me feel guilty or insecure.

"No I mean I don't know if I can do it any more with Richard I don't know if I can go back to coming home not knowing if he's going to be here or not and feeling like he isn't with me even when he is. I don't love him and I know he doesn't love me and now that you've reminded me how being with someone should be I don't think I can go back to being with him." There's a knot now in my stomach because I'm suddenly terrified that he'll think I'm the one moving too fast now. "I don't mean we should start telling the world about us or that I should throw him out tomorrow and you should move straight in I'm not pushing this any more than you are but I don't know that I want to have to know I'm coming home to be unhappy with him when I could be happy with you. I don't want you to feel like I'm getting ahead of myself or that….."

"Stop talking." The way he's smiling at me now, the gentle resting of his finger on my lips is making that knot loosen and my heart race instead. "You don't have to panic that I'm going to think you want more from this than I'm willing to give because that's not possible. I'm willing to give you everything I'm willing to be here right by your side whether you are ready to leave him or not I've told you that already but if you really do want to end things then I could never be anything but delighted about that. Do you think I like the idea of you coming home to him at night knowing that he has no idea how lucky he is and that he does nothing but make you unhappy? If I had one wish it would be for him to be no part of your life and for you to be surrounded by love and to know how amazing and valued you are so if you want to end things with him I'm here for you but if you don't I'm here too until you are ready."

"I'm ready." I can't think of anything else to say I feel like I've just made the biggest decision of my life and instead of feeling any doubt or fear about it I feel like a shadow has been swiped away and the sun is finally shining in my life again. The heat and light of it's rays are touching me as completely as his fingers are as he kisses me again and I know the voyage I set out on when I left work on Friday night with him is truly beginning and however bumpy it gets I'll be fine so long as he's by my side.


End file.
